Friday, January 29, 2010

Scenario Grief!

This is a post that will emphasize how strange I am. 

I  know lots of people play out worse case scenarios in their minds.  I think I do it because I like to have a plan.  I want to already know what I would do if that scenario happened. 

One of my worst ones - for me - is my parents canal.  The canal can get very full and runs under the road.  Every summer I spend several weeks before making the trip home agonizing at night while everyone sleeps soundly what I would do.  Do I jump in and try to save my child - OF COURSE!!  But, wait what about getting myself stuck in the culvert under the road - then I leave two children without a mother - That is not okay.  So while my family safely sleeps, I quietly sob into the night - trying to find the win-win solution to this problem.  I still don't have the answer, and the thought of losing a child is heartbreaking. 

Another one - getting the phone call or having uniformed people show up at my door to share the bad news. 

For each of these scenarios - I let the grief wash over me (maybe I like a good cry - I hear it is therapeutic).  I know for anyone who has experienced any of these things that what I experience in my mind is just the smallest fraction of what reality would be like.  I do not mean to diminish anyones pain and heartache.

Last night I read a blog of family who lost their almost two year old girl (only child) to a tragic accident.  I sobbed, I empathized.  I grabbed my two year old girl and held her tight while we slept.  As I layed in bed snuggling her as close as I could, I thought about how and if I could deal with that kind of tragedy.  I had read many of her blog entries as she shared the different aspects of her grief. 

I realized with a start that a huge part of my grief would be guilt.  Not because I didn't do what I should have to stop the accident, but because of my mothering.  This is not a post where I am hoping friends will leave comments telling me I am a good mom.  I know what you see and I know what you don't.  More often than not at the end of the day, I am disappointed with my performance.  If only I could have company all the time, I stay patient and kind when those watchful and judging eyes are present. 

I will do better...  No ... I must do better, even if tragedy of that variety never strikes our family, I must do better.  I must recommit myself to being a mother and the kind of mother and Heavenly Father would want raising these special, kind, loving, innocent, sweet, (and all other wonderful words) children that I have been blessed with.  I have many great examples in my life - My Mom, My Grandam, My Grammy, My Mother-In-Law, and friends.

I love them with everything that I have and all that I am.

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